Why do I give a damn

What an end to a week. I am now 36 weeks pregnant, have 3 weeks left at work and 4 weeks till I am due to pop. Even though it is my third time around I am actually still petrified about the whole birth thing. I am not a screamish person and may appear to be confident and cool about birth but secretly inside and am pooing myself! I can remember that it was painful, even though I can't remember the pain. I also remember it all being over and how relieved I was when I saw my little girls kicking with all their fingers and toes, eyes and a nose! I know Clinton will be there for me as well as my wonderful supportive family and friends but I still get that shock of reality hitting home saying 'Hey girl, its you that has to do this one and you have to do it on your own, no one else can do it for you, no one can stand in your place,' and that is what scares me!

It's not like a stumbling block at work when you are worried about presenting and putting it off for another week or getting someone to answer the phone In case it is that difficult client you haven't got an answer for, this is real and its something that you have to do. God there I go again, scaring myself and talking crap, if you are pregnant, please don't worry about my words, it is just reality kicking in. Most people are living this all the time, I kind of try and put real things aside until I am ready to deal with them.

Back onto my nightmare week. Work work work, it really is swings and roundabouts. I do have some great people working around me but sometimes they do drive me crazy. There was an incident today when one of my colleagues exploded at me because I attempted to answer a problem in his absence. I look at the whole situation now and can't work out whether is just a sign of either insecurity or youth but it is still really bugging me at the way my colleague reacted and spoke to me. Maybe I shouldn't have made contact with this client and just left them to fester, however being a professional and also being the most senior person on the team (not that my colleague views that of me) I am also the Account Manager of the concerned client. It was also suggested by others around me to make the call, which I did. I established the problem and was attempting to solve it when my colleague returned and erupted just like the little green furry sprite in the advert on TV. His face turned into a pickled beetroot, all squashed and angry and he began shouting like a fish wife. At first I thought he was talking to someone else or acting out a scene from a movie, because he is a bit of a joker, but oh no he was aiming this anger at me. I look at the situation now and see his reaction rather animal like, trying to guard his den, protect his actions, however you want to describe it, the only reason why it angered me was because he spoke to me like a child, implying I had no right to stick my nose in where it wasn't wanted when all I was doing was trying to stop one of my clients from reducing my commission at the end of the month, as simple as that really. This whole silly discussion just highlighted the reason why I am not happy in my job, I used to react like that to justify myself, it was something I did 10 years egos, when he was still at school. I forget I am surrounded by keen young individuals who want to prove their worth and strut their stuff. To be honest with myself this tells me that maybe I should be proving myself too, I mean you are only as good as your last sale (I hear them all say) but I feel I am in a role I did long ago, it makes me realise I just don't have the same wants as those around me and maybe I shouldn't be trying to fit into this role anymore. I can't be bothered to raise my feathers, strut my stuff and justify my existence! I am one of the most experienced members of the team and am very capable at raising issues and uncovering problems. After all should I really be trying to justify my worth, I am expecting my 3rd child as well as being in my 15th year in sales. I think I can quite positively say I have already justified my existence to the company or they wouldn't still be paying my wages. Anyway I feel much better for saying all this now.

One last nag about the way that people do treat each other. It makes my blood boil when people feel like they have the right to shout at each other without engaging their brains first. I know that women suffer from hormones but today was a true demonstration of the male hormone and how anger brings out the worse in someone. God why am I going on, it is only work and as I said earlier I only have 3 weeks left of it. As you can see this situation has really bugged me but I must get on with life and not dwell on silly things like this. Hormones, hormones, hormones!!!